Reminder: There is how you act and there is how you re-act. You are responsible for both.
Product & Startup Builder
Being Right vs. Being Effective
The problem with most of the advice your friends give you is that they put themselves in your shoes instead of the shoes of the person you're having some issues with. The advice often tends to be "yeah you're so right" instead of "well actually, from their POV you're making these 2 mistakes".
One must take responsibility for their part of the friction in a relationship or in their lives because being "right" doesn't help you, being *effective* at interpreting and interacting with the world does.
The only constant across every interaction you have is you. The only variable in a given situation you can change is yourself. If you're facing the same patterns over and over again then you need to change yourself.
Added to my Actuality Doc
On Power and Wisdom
You can't fight fire with fire. You can't destroy ideologies of hate with hate. You can't be the moral and military leaders of the world without living up to your own ideals.
Strength isn't destroying things, but rather knowing you can destroy them and restraining yourself in the interests of humanity and conscience. Wisdom is understanding and taking concrete ownership of your own complicity in the events around you.
Some thoughts on Anxiety
I was recently asked if I thought depression and anxiety are common and increasing. My 'off the top of my head' answer was:
I think they are common. It certainly feels like they have become MORE common - but that just might be because more people talk about them and there's less Taboo.
They're a disease of the mind just like you can get diseases of the body. Chemical, intellectual or cultural imbalances.
As we (society overall) work our way up Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs people have more time to contemplate their own existence, less chance to exercise our Flight or Fight response in appropriate settings (e.g. running away from predators in the wild) and have access to more debilitating choices than ever before.
Also I think that a kind of 'survivors guilt' plays a part - where we know we are so blessed to have so much opportunity and yet others have so little and/or we haven't done enough with our gifts. At least I know I do.
Boundary Conditions
Yearly reminder
Humans have an obsession with Boundary Conditions.
Hours, Days, Years, Decades, Centuries. You, Me, Us, Them. Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Atheist. Gay, Straight, Bi, Pan. USA, Germany, Russia, Australia. Atoms, Particles, People, Planets, Stars, Galaxies. Mortals, Gods. Matter, Energy. Infinity.
Last year. New Year. Next Year.
It's all the same.
On one level, we need boundaries to mark time and differentiate/individuate/relate in the world. On the other hand, they create so much unnecessary confusion, conflict and pain.
Happy new year everyone. I hope it's an amazing 365 days (or 52 weeks - whichever boundary condition you'd like to use for measurement).
Happy new year: Boundary Conditions
Humans have an obsession with Boundary Conditions.
Hours, Days, Years, Decades, Centuries. You, Me, Us, Them. Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Atheist. Gay, Straight, Bi, Pan. USA, Germany, Russia, Australia. Atoms, Particles, People, Planets, Stars, Galaxies. Mortals, Gods. Infinity.
Last year. New Year. Next Year.
It's all the same.
On one level, we need boundaries to mark time and differentiate/individuate/relate in the world. On the other hand, they create so much unnecessary confusion, conflict and pain.
Happy new year everyone. I hope it's an amazing 365 days (or 52 weeks - whichever boundary condition you'd like to use for measurement).
Lack of Literacy
Still true
There's a lack of literacy in the world for how ideas become reality... how to manifest your agency in the world. THIS is what should be taught in schools.
You Deserve The Best
Still true #personalperspective
You are loved. You are enough. You are good enough. You deserve the best. You should not accept violence in your life. Simple ideas that so few people internalize for any significant period of their conscious experience.
My Greatest Strengths and Weaknesses
Still true?
I think/hope that one of my greatest strengths is that sometimes (not always) I am good at learning and adapting from all available information (even information that seems totally unrelated) and trying to tunnel that deep into my core patterns and beliefs. To try to break old patterns (or at least recognize them) and learn, grow, change and optimize. To resist unconsciously fighting change when I think new information 'sounds' wrong or unrelated to me. To recognize that the things I 'hate' in others are actually things I'm rejecting in myself.
I don't always succeed but sometimes I get bright shining moments where it all clicks and I feel a change.
One of my biggest weaknesses is that I compress all time in the future into the present and over compensate, over engineer and over complicate things. This also results in a great deal of anxiety. I also spend a lot of time in the past re-litigating and trying to suck the marrow out of past events to process for lessons learned (see first part of this). This also means I can often miss steps along the process which undermines the outcomes or alienates/looses touch with people along the way. In short, I don't spend enough time in the present listening to the universe in that moment.
Missing Those Days . . .
So, so much
Remember when we used to talk about authenticity, transparency, openness, democratizing access and agency and the free exchange of ideas. I miss those days…
Image from http://www.intrapsychictaxonomy.org/sternberg.htm
Thoughts on 'True Love'
Someone asked me whether or not I believe in 'True Love' recently... here was my 'off the top of my head' answer
- Love is like the Internet. It doesn't come from one place, it comes from many sources at the same time. You need to love yourself (first and foremost), love your job, love your family, love your friends, love many romantic relationships throughout your life and *some* of those loves will be a deeper kind of love that lasts for a longer period of time.
- There are different kinds of love, and you need to experience all of them throughout your life. Sometimes/some people need multiple kinds of love at the same time. See attached diagram.
- You're probably talking about 'True Love" as "1 romantic/sexual partner that you spend a lot of time with". You ultimately wont be happy with that person unless you also truly embrace the other kinds of love in your life because nothing can replace the love of your family or the love of yourself to fill that hole inside yourself.
- Nothing is static - relationships change and evolve. Try not to hold on too tightly.
- Love is not scarce. Try to love more people, more often. Most people experience/act from 'Fear' not 'Love' in their relationships.
- All of the above is really, really hard. Everyone struggles with it.
Self Confidence
[Touchy subject warning - Don't flame me]
I was recently asked by a female friend if men like "self-confident women"
Here was my off-the-top-of-my-head answer:
---
The stereotype of "Men" is that they don't like over-confident/bossy/opinionated women.
I think it's more complicated than that. There are a number of things to keep in mind.
1. Often times, men like to feel needed, protective and in control of their lives.
2. Men and women who consider themselves 'self-confident' often confuse that with being loud, confrontational and always think they're right.
3. This often works for most men because the world is full of ugly double standards and men are 'supposed' to act that way. As Sheryl Sandberg says, when a man is assertive or loud he is said to have 'leadership skills' while a woman can be called 'bossy'.
4. I don't think that being "loud, confrontational and always thinking you're right" is actually self confidence for EITHER sex, though. I think that knowing when to listen, speak softly, ask the right questions and understand your own internal strength is a true form of confidence. I find the other thing an obnoxious turn off irrespective who it's coming from.
So my answer to the question is, figure out if you are REALLY self-confident or just opinionated and not giving a man (and other people) the space to be who they need to be. Because if you have true self confidence the way I described it in point 4, I don't think most men would have a problem with that.
Going Deep
More often than not, I am in the process of 'Going deep' on something that's caught my eye or piqued my interest that week/month.
This means I will watch every episode, interview, clip etc about the subject. Often times it will be TV/Movie related.
Previous subjects have been Joss Whedon, Batman, Seinfeld (The person and the show) etc.
Starting now.. David Fincher.
Avoiding Bad Actors
My friend Nora asked how to better avoid bad actors...
My 'off the top of my head' response:
1. Pay attention to people's behavior instead of their words
2. Notice their behavior even in the smallest of things because that same pattern will usually apply to bigger things
3. Notice what they hate - they might be identifying things they hate in themselves (Sabrina adds: note what they love and laugh at in others, also revealing about what they value)
4. Avoid people who take zero responsibility for the frustrations/conflict in their life.
5. Avoid people who speak/think in absolutes
Brutalized
These are a brutalized people who've been oppressed, slaughtered and dehumanized by the other side. They are lashing out with whatever they have at their disposal. Their enemy wants them eradicated off the face of the earth - wouldn't you want to defend yourself under these circumstances?
Now the question: Which side am I talking about?
Imagine better schools
Education is the silver bullet.
Imagine if schools (particularly high-schools) were oriented around self-actualization rather than information-regurgitation. Around learning how to learn vs. memorization. Around ethics, psychology and pattern recognition instead of historical facts and figures. Around the scientific process and implications rather than equations. Around lateral thinking rather than liner thinking. Around computer literacy (particularly coding) as part of general literacy.
Imagine...
Peace Plan for Israel
As I sometimes do, allow me to engage in the height of hubris and naivety.
First some context.
- My plan requires all the work to be done by the Israelis. Why? Because I believe two basic things
Those with great power have great responsibility. Israel is a powerful, democratic and moral country. They are the only ones who can think and act clearly enough to enact any real change
I don’t believe the Palestinians have much real control over Hamas or their Government. They can certainly choose to ‘reject’ those groups, but it would be nearly impossible to co-ordinate and would likely come at great peril to their lives
- My plan is based on the notion that if Israel could delegitimize the primary grievances of the Palestinian resistance and, at the same time, materially support moderate Palestinians they will…
Worst case: Delegitimize the Palestinian resistance movement in the eyes of the world, restoring the moral high-ground to Israel - this is the best and only thing that can truly protect not only its existence, but its soul. It will also stop the slaughter of civilians in Gaza.
Best case: Significantly undermine the terrorists and create a real partner for peace amongst the Palestinians.
- The specific steps outlined below are most likely naive, incomplete and/or in the wrong order. The (big, angry, red) devil is obviously in the details. They are meant only as a straw man to give a general sense of the kind concrete steps that might be taken in line with the strategy mentioned above.
- All of these steps should be unilateral and unequivocal. That is; they should not depend on the Palestinians doing anything before or after each step takes place nor should they be at risk of rollback because of rockets, killings or other violence.
- Importantly, these steps should essentially be announced and happen at the same time - they must be communicated as part of a comprehensive peace plan. Their unilateral, unequivocal nature must also be clearly communicated to demonstrate the commitment of Israel to the peace process.
- Finally, many of these steps might seem counterintuitive (particularly step 1) and will likely invoke heated debate involving demonization or blame. I’m not interested in retreading the standard talking points. I’m only interested in a go-forward plan for peace. It will require moral courage and empathy - not excuses.
Peace Plan Steps
Recognize the right for the Palestinians to live in peace and establish a state of their own
Declare a day of forgiveness, in which all grievances from the past are forgotten
Declare a permanent cease-fire
Immediately lift all appropriate and possible limitations on food, materials and other freedoms for the people living in the occupied territories
Immediately halt the development of new settlements
Declare the UN partition plan as the blueprint for Israel’s definitive borders
Publish (and execute) a multi-year methodical roll back plan for settlements such that the borders of Israel are contained within the borders of the UN partition plan (the property might be handed to the elected groups formed in step 8 of this plan. They would, in turn, re-distribute them to the palestine people).
Offer the Palestinian people the promise of massive funding, labor, expertise and other resources if they succeed in forming and voting for 2 or 3 parties/organizations with moderate views who could be partners for peace (Israel might even need to be involved in facilitating the vote)
Publish (and execute) a plan to support these new groups by, amongst other things, working hand-in-hand with them to construct and protect schools, infrastructure and other basic foundations of a civil society (they might do this from funds that would otherwise be spent on attacking the Palestinians - and perhaps asking the US to contribute as well)
Patiently sustain these efforts over the long term (again, irrespective of day-to-day events such as rocket attacks). By long term I would expect no less than 5 years. More likely 10-20 years.
Do you have any constructive additions/suggestions? Let me know and I will expand the post.
What if women got to co-create civilization?
At the risk of upsetting someone…
I’ve seen the ‘Women in Tech’ debate flare up over and over again and each time, despite agreeing that equality is a basic and obvious human right, I’ve felt very uncomfortable participating because...
- It’s not really a subject I feel I can speak authoritatively about.
- It’s very easy to say the ‘wrong’ thing and get attacked.
- I don’t actually think the issue is as straightforward as the loudest voices seem to think.
- We still have people like Bill O’Reilly questioning Hillary Clinton’s eligibility for president because… you know… once a month. We clearly have a LONG way to go.
I do think, however, that the problem with the world is not just that it doesn’t have enough women in certain roles, the problem is that the world was designed by men.
The lack of women in certain roles (and other important issues like equal pay) is the result of a wide and varied mix of causes that are historic, cultural, biological and more. As a tactical problem, it’s certainly important to solve in the short and medium term.
For me though, the problem is much, much deeper than that. As far as I can tell, the roles and institutions of the world were constructed almost exclusively by men. They are based on masculine concepts and world-views like competition, violence and dominance. It is structurally and fundamentally “a man’s world”.
I'd very much love to engage in a design process that conceptualizes institutions and societies with equal parts masculine and feminine structures, modalities and mechanisms. Imagine societies that are co-designed by women.
What does that look like? I have no idea - but I have a suspicion it might look quite different to what we have now, and open up all sorts of new possibilities - possibly (likely) making for a better, happier world.
The New Cosmos: An Origin Story
Last night I watched the reboot of Cosmos.
Suffice it to say I was giddy with excitement. Not just at how entertaining it was for me personally, but at the fact of its existence, flawless quality and massive distribution; all which would ensure that it touches the maximum number of minds on the planet. Something that is of essential value right now.
At the end it spoke of the show's origins with Carl Segan and his influence on the world at large and on Neil Degrasse Tyson personally.
It was also a story, of course, of the origin of time and space, showing exactly how small we are in the grand cosmic scheme of things.
But what surprised me and delighted me is that it also showed a different kind of origin story. One involving Giordano Bruno.
On the surface, this part of the show seemed like a straight forward history lesson with built in (and necessary) slams on the religious oppression of new ideas.
But I think there was something far more interesting being told here - both through the spoken and visual narrative.
They were equating Bruno with Jesus.
Each step along the way they seemed to take great pains to draw parallels between Giordano Bruno and Jesus. Let me try to recount just some of them.
- The persecution from Authorities for having a new idea
- The scene where his jail cell falls away and he floats off into space arms extend like Jesus on the cross
- The refusal to recant in the face of certain death
- The passive/peaceful resistance (and almost forgiveness)
- The 'Crucifixion' (Neil calls it a Martyrdom) on his 'cross' (specifically it was being burned at the stake (if you notice Jesus on the Cross is pushed into his face as the fire is being lit)
- On and on...
This kind of narrative resonates deeply - likely on a subconscious level - with those raised on the Bible or, in fact, most other religious traditions where there's a human who is in communion with a larger idea who is ultimately killed for his beliefs.
I think it's clear here that Cosmos wasn't just telling its own origin story, or the origin of the universe, but they were also giving us a human, bible-esque origin story that would resonate with those who need that sort of thing.
Everything about this show, and it's execution so far, has been breathtaking. We collectively need it to succeed.
Get your friends to watch it.
A Connector
Bernadette just called me a 'Connector'
My knee-jerk reaction was this...
"I'm not a connector. It's selfish. I have more fun when my friends are around and it gives me joy to make sure we all have the best possible experience/access.
The only thing I hate more than wasted potential is resource hoarding."